a bit broken

yes, i am referring to myself. not out-of-the-game-broken, but broken enough to think doubtfully.

saturday we were supposed to do a 18 - 20 mile run. because the revlon breast cancer walk was in the park, we were running down the westside from 72nd street, around the point of manhattan, up to e.10th street and back. it should have been a great run - it was sunny and the perfect temp., and a nice, flat, out-and-back run.

but it was not to be. as the rookie and i took off, those steps induced shooting pains up the front of my leg, so much so that i stopped and walked for a moment directly. rook asked if i was okay, and i said, um, no, maybe...and we started running again and it hurt so that i was running very slowly and tenderly. while my shin-splints had been "uncomfortable" (as ramon would say) in the past weeks, they hurt. i told the rookie to go on, because i was going to have to go pretty slowly for the first bit until they loosened up.

i coulndn't imagine running 5 miles, never mind 18, feeling the way i was. i loped along, waiting for the pain to ease up. usually with in a few minutes, the pain/discomfort eases up, and then after a few miles slowly starts going away. this time, not so much. a mile down, and still no relief. in fact, my whole left leg started to tighten up, kind of compensating for the lack of help coming from my shin. ug. i stopped to stretch my calves and saw some tnters who asked if i wanted them to wait. i said no, not knowing how it was going to go.

i started up again, and then stopped and walked. i went about three feet in the other direction and then turned around and started "running" again. i growled at myself to keep going, it would get better. i stopped a little farther down again at a boat dock that had a bathroom, grabbed water and stretched my calves again. i started out again...running for another five minutes before i swore at myself and stopped to walk. i repeated the start back and then try again routine. but i could feel a limp and turned around for a very cranky cranky walk back to 72nd street. if we had been in the park i might have kept at it despite the pain, but since we were doing an out and back, i didn't want to end up stranded at battery park not being able to walk/run back.

i was talking about it with a running friend today and when i told her that, she said, "oh yeah, its like the walk of shame." and that's exactly what it was, but there was almost more shame. walking, not running, not biking, in the wrong direction, with a sullen and disappointed face. not a pretty picture at all.

i saw rand & his brother with spencer and they asked what was wrong. i grumpily told them the dumb shin-splints and kept walking. i was a jumble of negative emotions. feeling like i should have kept going, wondering if i should have tried to ignore it longer, feeling worried about not getting the run in, that the shin-splints weren't going to go away, and what if they don't go away for the marathon? i don't know if i could do it. feeling angry because i hadn't been as good about yoga and stretching this past week, and being ferociously mad at myself.

today's mileage: 1.5*
total mileage to date: 150.3

*does not count the 1.5 miles walked back, only the first actual running leg of the trip.