a difficult decision

so the week after the bad-15, i was in a bad way.

the strange thing was, that i knew that even though i had been having bad runs, and even with the shin splints, i could get myself through the marathon one way or another.

but i didn't *want* to struggle through my second marathon. i didn't struggle through the first one, and i sure as hell didn't want to do worse at the 2nd one than the first. i wanted to improve, to be a better, stronger runner; i wanted to finish san diego in 4 hours and 30 minutes. i wanted to feel great at the end. for me, since i had finished the first feeling fantastic, there would be no glory, no sense of elation in "just finishing" because i knew that i could do that.

and for a few days after that run, i was miserable thinking about how it was going be, and so disappointed in the way the season turned out. and then i had a thought. and when it popped into my head, my shoulders on down to my toes heaved a sigh of relief.

i could drop down to the 1/2 marathon in san diego.

along with the sigh of relief came the countering thoughts of "you're gonna let everyone down", "remember why you are doing this!", "don't be a wuss - you know you can do it" and "stop being a baby and just run." and so for a few days i hemmed and hawed over what to do. i was a ball of stress, between this decision looming over my head, insanely busy at work (ex: working until 3am one night getting some brochures out) and fundraising-captain responsibilities for the fall season kicking in. i talked to sk8 about it - we're very alike in the "i-hate-to-be-wussy" sort of way - and so i knew that she'd be a good judge of my decision. the conversation was a while ago, but her general response to me worrying about being a wimp was "shut up."

i felt better. and i mulled some more.

finally, on friday of that week, i decided (in my head - i didn't make it official until monday), that i was only going to run the 1/2. i still have mixed emotions about it, but i know from the stress that has evaporated that it is the right decision, and for the most part i feel good about it. i'm sad a bit that i will not have pushed myself to run the full now, but hopefully i made a smart decision in letting my shins heal a bit more so that i can keep running through the summer. and on the positive side, i am really excited to be able to cheer in the rookie and the other first timers i've been mentoring at the finish line.

mostly though, while i'm not one who "cares what people think" in the traditional sense of the phrase, i hope that i haven't let you down too much.